Ming has gone back to Gatton, Mama is in Perth for a holiday with korkor and Tseyun. Been having some rare alone time, and I've got so many thoughts on my mind, I decided to come back to this blog. Wanted to blog a couple of days ago on my phone, but blogger doesn't even have an app anymore -_-. Once I logged in here, I remembered Ming's blog. She blogs much more often than I do, but I seldom read her blog anymore 'cause nowadays I'm just on instagram and facebook all the time and I forget the existence of blogs times. Read her post about papa.. Since the hospital days I've been wanting to write about it too, but just never got down to it. It was a sad, painful, overwhelming and dark period, but if I never do get down to writing about it, I'm glad at least Ming did.
I felt a great deal of anxiety knowing Ming's returning to Gatton. Life has really not been the same after papa left. Since I knew papa's prognosis was bad.. one of my biggest worries was Mama. I remember a dinner we had together, after one of the doctors told kor and I something bad, I could hardly stop myself from crying. Yet I did not dare to let mama know. Mama and Papa spent all their time together, especially in the past few years after Papa fell ill. I only knew recently that Mama spent even more time with Papa because he was ill, and Mama wanted to accompany him and take care of him. So with Papa gone, naturally Mama would be the most affected. They went to Botanic Gardens together almost every day. They went out for meals together everyday. They went on holidays together every couple of months. Suddenly, Mama has no one to do all of that with. We have work, we have school, korkor has his new family. Mama doesn't. With Ming being away in Gatton, Korkor having his own family. I am definitely the one who can best accompany her. I want to spend time with her, and I want to make sure she is never lonely, lost or worst still, sad. But sometimes it got a little stressful because I had to consider work, Jeremy and even friends. I felt guilty having to go to work and leaving Mama at home. I felt even worse to have to have a meal or attend a gathering without Mama. With Ming back in Singapore I was less stressed up. I felt better knowing that she can accompany mama while I'm out and definitely grateful for the extra company as well. Well I've always been happy to have Ming back, just that this time there was something more. Now that she is back in Gatton, I worry about Mama again, and I worry about myself too. I worry about finding a balance in life.
I have blabbered on so much without a main point.. The trigger to blogging is actually my thoughts on Jara Petit's future. Since I have been spending the past couple of days at home, I finally got down to settling some Jara Petit matters and thinking about Jara Petit's future. I'm sad to say I don't think I have it in me to start Jara Petit again like what I had intended to do. I can hardly cope with my life now without Jara Petit. I don't spend enough time or effort on Tumble Joy, I don't spend enough time with Jeremy, I am not doing things that matter. I feel like time is just slipping away and I am accomplishing nothing in life. It's not just the fact that I want to spend more with Mama now. I am somehow just not happy and yet I don't have the motivation to change the way things are..
It really saddens me, to think that this might be end of Jara Petit. Something we have spent so much effort, so much time on. A brand that quite a number of strangers have heard about. A dessert that people crave for. A go-to for baby shower packages. Reflecting on the years we spent on the business, there really could have been many things done differently. Sometimes, I think about the hours I spent at the shop - all the lost time I could have spent with Papa. Could we have hired earlier, and freed ourselves from spending too much time at the shop? I definitely could have been a better partner business partner/colleague to Xinyi. (Sorry! If you are reading this)
I really wanted to keep Jara Petit going, but I really don't know how I can anymore. Maybe Xinyi was right, and sometimes we just have to let go.
